


Peace

by tpmbouquins



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Gen, tagging is spoiling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-16
Updated: 2019-01-16
Packaged: 2019-10-11 03:14:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17438867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tpmbouquins/pseuds/tpmbouquins
Summary: Armie has something to say.





	Peace

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, many thanks to ShesGoneRogue (VexedByLoki) (or @shes-gone-rogue on tumblr) for the help. If you're able to read a fic without french words remaining or general weird things/misspellings, it's thanks to her :)
> 
> Everything is fiction. 
> 
> ..or maybe I'm just Sybill Trelawney, walking around and sharing prophecies. Obviously I can't tell you because of the International Statute of Wizarding Secrecy -- if you don't get that reference, never mind ;-).

_Armie was listening to[this song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdJRCG3qhAQ) while writing this._

_\---_

"Thank you. …thank you very much. My humble thank you to the Academy and its members for this very unexpected honor. A few years back, I was barely consideredas an actor — including by myself. And now… Well it seems like I’ve managed to convince a few people I wasn’t _that_ bad after all.

 

Thank you to my co-nominees. Winning only feels great because you’ve all given astonishing performances and I feel very proud to see my name among yours. 

 

My deep thank you to Dakota Johnson and the entire crew — scratch that — the entire family of this amazing movie. It’s been a pleasure to work with every single one of you and I’m looking forward to do it again in the future — because this one has turned out pretty fine for me. 

 

In the recent past years, my professional life has known two turning-points, shaped in the form of two movies. The first one has shown to the world one of the many things I didn’t know about myself : that I am an artist, in the most humble and genuine sense I could think of. The second one is the reason I’m standing before you tonight. 

 

I always have been a firm believer that the best way for an actor to improve himself is to be opposite to a better one. In both of these movies, I’ve been sharing the screen with the same person. And since I’m the fucking best actor in a leading role tonight, I leave to your imagination the care to understand how insanely talented my co-star is.

 

So if I’m getting the Oscar… Could you please find a more prestigious prize for Timothée Chalamet ?

 

My speech isn’t over yet. Yes, I’m over the 2:34 minutes allowed for speeches already. Yes, I’m just going to highjack this ceremony for a few more — because there is something I want to say. I know what you must be thinking right now : this giant idiot could never keep his mouth shut — or his fingers still — so what else does he have to say _now_ ?

 

Being born with a family name like Hammer comes with a certain amount of privileges that makes a large part of your life easy, more often than you’ll ever know. You’re white, you have more money than most people can even begin to fantasize and a winning ticket at the genetic lottery. Thanks to that, people are willing — eager — to do things for you, even if you never met them before.

 

I don’t want to brag or complain about where I come from. Being lucky enough to know luxury and opportunities is not something you want to trade or throw away very easily. I will never fully understand how privileged I’ve been and still am, because I will always live with my face and my name. I’m aware of that. But I can try. I can try to keep that in mind. I can try to keepmyself from forgetting that, despite everything, I'm among the lucky ones.

 

Delivered with a name like Hammer, lies something else. Something so beautifully wrapped in a shining paper you’re too dazzled to understand right away how heavy it is.

 

Expectations. A lot of them. Since the age of two, I’ve been told that I was ‘representing my family’. Not in a way that people would look askance at me or my parents if I cried too loud, but with the meaning that I could mess up an entire century of family history if I didn’t act the way I was told to. If I wasn’t who I was told to be.

 

When I became an actor, I thought I was turning my back to all of it. I didn’t know I couldn’t walk away from something that had been planted so early in my life in every single one of my cells, I’ll be carrying the burden of its unexpected blossoming for the rest of my days.

 

My name is Armand Douglas Hammer. I’m the eldest son of Michael and Dru Hammer. I’m the great grandson of Armand Hammer. I’m not saying it because I’m proud nor ashamed. Not anymore. I’m saying this because _this_ is where I come from and I think I’ve finally accepted it, in its whole meaning. I’m saying this because… I am Armand Douglas Hammer and I am gay.

 

…fuck that feels _good_. Everything is so calm up here right now. Slow and quiet. You should try. I honestly feel like I’m flying pretty damn high — and nothing can reach me anymore. I’m invincible.

 

But there was a time… I wasn’t. I was very far from it actually. Because I grew up in a family in which it was not accepted to be gay… Well that’s not entirely true. It wasn’t ‘not accepted’ — I could have worked with that. I’m pretty good at rebelling against… against everything and anything really. In my family, being gay wasn’t a reality. It didn’t exist — at all. And you know what’s worse than hate ? Denial of who you are.

 

We say times have changed. We say it gets better. We say that we’ve evolved. It’s true. But it isn’t true everywhere. There are circles, families living just next door, where nothing has changed. Everything is still pretty much the same. And you know what ? Gays kids, LGBTQ kids are still born in all these places. I was. And how could I find something that I didn’t know existed ? How could I find me when I didn’t know _I_ existed ?

 

If I’m saying all of this, it’s not to put the blame on someone but on how things are. Those circles are very closed. They live in autonomy. I know I’m not much of an example. I’ve been slow, I’ve shown cowardice on more occasions than I’m proud to admit and I’ve chosen to be blind for a very long time, but I learned to forgive myself. Every journey is different and nobody should be pushed to take the step they’re not ready to take yet. Nobody should be judged for having more difficulties or for being more scared than everybody else. I’m not much of an example but if I can be that voice from the inside — who was inside until tonight anyway — for at least **one** person, let me be that for you. It’s ok. You exist. Take all the time you need. You’ll be fine.

 

People will ask me how it went, how my "coming-out" went. Questions are probably going to start in a few minutes. I don’t know how it went because you are living it right now with me. I didn’t tell anyone. So no one knew. No one but three people.

 

First one is Elizabeth Chambers Hammer. I’ve always known that you’re amazing. I just hadn’t realized how much until today. Thank you for everything you gave me and did for our family. Thank you for standing by my side during the first part of my life, but, more importantly, thank you for sticking with me for the second part. I love you. Always.

 

I love working with geniuses. My only problem is that they have a tendency to make me feel like the biggest idiot on earth, which is kind of threatening to my self-esteem on a long term basis. Luca Guadagnino isn’t like that. Oh, he is a genius. No doubt about that. But I never feel stupid while he’s looking at me — even when I have every reason to do so. 

 

The first time I worked with Luca, I actually felt like a baby. Not because I was dumb — and _not_ spoiler alert, I was and still am — but because every time he looked at me, I could see that he was amazed by all the things that I had yet to learn, to discover, to become. He was proud. Proud to be a part of my personal and professional journey, like a parent should be. Like every parent should be. 

 

When I think about what Luca did for me, I like to say that he taught me how to walk. Not by waiting for me to run towards him while he was standing a few steps ahead, but by taking my hand in his trusting and trusted one, and by walking side by side with me, every step of the way.

 

If I did walk towards somebody, it was to you. Timothée. ‘Timothy’. Sweet Tea. Tim. … _Timmy_. I… Hum. I… Shit. Of course I was going to lose it for your part, right ? I love you. _I love you_. And I know you’re all about to make speculations. About the "how ?". About the "for how long ?". You always have and I can’t blame you. We look goddamn magical together. But let me tell you : you’ll be wrong, every single one of you. And that’s okay. We don’t mind. We don’t care. Because we know. And as I look you in the eyes right now Chalamet, and as I’m proudly smiling — even if I have no legitimacy to claim pride when it comes to you — because you’re once again the most talented, best dressed and most perfect human being of this wild freak show, I understand there is nothing or no one in this world that I’m more certain about. Because I know you. I know us. And — therefore — I know me.

 

Peace… and Love. Thank you."

**Author's Note:**

> I'm @tpmbouquins on tumblr :)


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